My Chiron return was in June and, apparently, I (metaphorically) fell “off the roof” (This is astrological and Human Design stuff. For current purposes, you just need to know that coming “off the roof” is a major life transition for people with a particular design, which I have).  Just a few hours after the transit, I broke my ankle. While standing still no less.  More than a month later, I still feel lost; like I have no idea what I'm doing.  

Eight years ago, my body began telling me that the thing I loved most and was good at (law and being a lawyer) was no longer a viable employment option.  I tried doing it differently, doing less of it, all kinds of things.  But my brain wasn’t braining the way it used to, and I just wasn’t able to keep up and complete assignments.  At the beginning of this year, I finally received something to respond to that made clear it was time to hang up my lawyer hat.  I’ve been gutted ever since and, if I’m being honest, still harboring hopes that something will change or happen in the future that will let me go back.  In the meantime, I’ve been trying to figure out what that means for now.

I know that where I'm headed has to do with spirituality and intuition.  More specifically, I have felt called down a path to mediumship.  But the more I try to learn, the more I feel like I'm forcing it.  I'm heavily defined in the logic circuit (13 gates), and I just realized that I keep looking for answers, hoping someone has the message that will finally get through.  Instead, I just keep receiving the same three messages on repeat:

• Meditate;

• Trust; and

• You are the one you've been waiting for.

Now, I’ll be honest with you.  I have been receiving the message to meditate since I was in my teens.  And I keep not doing it.  Or rather, I try, and it doesn’t seem to work and I just shrug and quit.  Over and over and over.  Somehow, I believed that if I just ran long enough and fast enough and ignored it long enough, the message would change.  Then I discovered Human Design and saw my BodyGraph.  With my conscious Earth in Embodiment and my unconscious Earth in Stillness, meditation is not a mere suggestion; it’s woven into my very existence.  That message isn’t going anywhere.  So, I pulled up my big-girl pants and surrendered.  I found an app that resonated with me and have been doing 4 to 5 three-minute “pauses” each day.  I’m not “trying” to meditate, which has always failed in the past.  Instead, I’m simply focusing on the breath, saying “In.  Out.  In.  Out,” over and over silently in my head.  And when I realize my mind has wandered from that pattern, I drop the thought and focus back on the breath.  I don’t know whether I’m doing it right, or doing enough, but I am doing.  And that’s enough for now.  Gold star for me.

In the continued spirit of honesty, I’m not really any better at Trust than I was/am at Meditate.  I’ve been knocked down a lot by life.  Sometimes it happens so quickly I don’t even get a full breath between punches, let alone a chance to pick myself back up.  And even though I’ve been able to make sense of much of it, and have come to appreciate the lessons learned and growth I experienced from the events, it doesn’t make it any easier.  Indeed, these days, when I get kicked back down, my first feeling is, “Really?  I haven’t been though enough?”  But that’s just it.  There is no such thing as “going through” enough.  The reward for success is new challenges.  All I can do is trust that there’s a reason for what is happening, and that it’s happening for me, instead of to me.  As you probably know from your own struggles, this is exceedingly difficult, especially in the moment.  But I’m working on it.  So, much like meditation, when I find my brain starting to spiral into “what-if” land, I try to turn the focus back to trust.  Somehow, in some way, this is for me.  I may not understand why or how—now or ever.  And it likely won’t take the sting out of pain and grief.  But that moment.  That reminder.  It pulls me out for just a second.  Long enough to take a breath.  And maybe next time I’ll get two breaths in before the spiral comes back.  Each additional breath is another second of trust.  And it’s one more than I had before.

I have started referring to the “You are the one you’ve been waiting for” message as Second Elsa (from the Book of Frozen).  In Frozen 2, there is an amazing song called “Show Yourself.”  In it, Elsa ends up singing a duet with her mother’s spirit, as Elsa finally figures out that the magical person she keeps feeling called by is herself.  In the beginning of the song, Elsa is begging the person, “Are you the one I’ve been looking for all of my life?  Show yourself!  I’m ready to learn.”  She knows that, “I’m here for a reason.  Could it be the reason I was born?  I have always been so different.  Normal rules did not apply.  Is this the day?  Are you the way I finally find out why?”  She continues to walk toward her destination, changing her question to a statement: “You are the answer I’ve waited for all of my life.  Show Yourself!  Let me see who you are.”  When she finally reaches the end, she finds memories, and the voice of her mother sings, “Come my darling homeward bound.”  To which Elsa replies, “I am found!”  Then they sing together:

Show yourself.  Step into your power.

Grow yourself into something new.

Mom:  You are the one you’ve been waiting for

Elsa: All of my life

Mom: All of your life

Show yourself.

This is the deepest, most Human Design song I have come across.  It is God/Source/The Universe staring right into my soul, calling me out to become the person I came here to be.  I cry every time I sing it.  Every.  Single.  Time.  Sometimes it turns into a big ugly cry where I can’t even get breath out to keep singing, so I just keep mouthing along to the words.  But I still sing it.  Because it makes me feel.  And I spent so long being shut off from my feelings that I take anything that makes me feel and be in my body as a good sign.

And the message could not be clearer.  Stop looking for the answer outside of myself!  But I still do.  I don’t fully trust myself.  My intuition.  That I’m on the right path.  That I’m doing it right.  That any confusion I have is part of the process.  To quote Taylor Swift, “It’s me.  Hi.  I’m the problem.  It’s me.”  Turns out, I am both the cause of and solution to my own problems.  Ugh.  In my moments of despair, this feels like the greatest clusterf$@k.  If only I can solve this, I’m so screwed.  But when I’m in the right space?  This is empowerment.  This is agency.  I’m the one who can solve this.  I have the power.

The answer isn’t in the transits.  It’s not in my chart.  It’s not in any free or paid course I can enroll in.  It’s not something external that I can find or learn.  It’s inside.  That’s the only place I’m going to find it.  And I can only find it by doing the things.  Writing.  Meditating.  Trying different things.  Trusting one more second today than I did yesterday.  Recognizing the power and joy and freedom in being the only one who can do this.  Find me.  Grow me.  Be me. 

It's not the answer I want.  If I wanted to meditate, I would have heeded that call long before now.  If it were easy to trust, I would have done it already.  I would already believe in myself.  About 25 years ago, I was at a Carolyn Myss conference where she talked about how most people talk about asking God/The Universe for an answer of what to do, but always say they don’t get an answer.  She then explained that it wasn’t true.  We almost always already know the answer.  The problem is that we don’t like the answer, so we keep looking for another answer.  99 times out of 100, if you feel stuck and don’t know what to do, just ask yourself, “What do I most not want to do?”  That will be the thing that you need to do.  She’s still right.  Harumph.

So this is me.  Committing to the work.  To the doing of the things that I keep avoiding because I want the answer to be something else.  After all, not doing it hasn’t gotten me to where I want to be.  Might as well give it a try.