As is evident from my last post, the blood test on Saturday did not bring good news.  My hCG level had dropped to 200.  My doctor's office called me with the news and had me stop my medications.  Thus began the long process of waiting for nature to take its course.  It is extremely difficult to process the loss and attempt healing when the loss is still ongoing.  I also know that I will spend the next few weeks or so having to inform those people who, for whatever reason, don't yet know that we lost the baby.

As sad as I am about the loss, I also have some relief.  The truth is, ever since the numbers didn't double within 48 hours, I wondered about the viability of the pregnancy.  I know the doctor said it was fine, but given how easily Lil' Bit's numbers doubled, I'm not sure I ever believed it.  And, once the spotting started, I was pretty sure it was all over.  I know there are lots of reasons women bleed and that some do go on to carry babies to term.  Still, it was just another sign.  And, if I'm being honest, I would not have felt much relief if the number Saturday had come back doubled.  I would have spent the whole pregnancy worrying, and anxiety wouldn't have been good for either of us.  I'm not sure anything would have reassured me.  I'm also grateful that it happened at home.  I think it would have been much worse if we had gotten to the ultrasound this Thursday and discovered no heartbeat.  Not only would the news have been devastating, but I would have had to deal with all the emotions there in public at the doctor's office and then figure out how to explain why I wasn't coming back to work.  Experiencing it at home, before Lil' Bit ever woke up, when Phil and I had time together and alone to process everything was ideal--at least, as ideal as that situation ever can be.

Up next is figuring out where we are and what we want to do.  We meet with the doctor this Thursday, on what would have been our ultrasound appointment, to talk about what happens next.  One of the questions he'll answer is how long we have to wait if we do, in fact, decide to try again.  I'll have another blood test on Friday to make sure my hCG levels have dropped back under 5.  If not, I'll have to undergo medical intervention to complete the process.  In addition, Phil and I have to figure out if we have both the emotional and monetary capital available to spend on another attempt.  Even if we decided right here and now that we wanted to try again, we would still wait.  Not just to let my body heal, but to avoid trying during the Lenten/Easter season when our household is already taxed and stressed (Plus, with Phil's job, we really need to avoid a Christmas due date).

As we travel down this road, we will talk to each other; check in with where we are and how we feel; reach a decision together; and be gentle with one another as we heal.