What’s Your Paint Color?

Many years ago, I delivered a sermon likening humans to pixels on a screen. I explained that we all need to do our own thing independent of those around us or the picture doesn’t look right, and if we’re all the same color, it’s nothing worth looking at. It’s also very obvious when one of us stops shining their light—that single black pixel gets your attention all. the. time.

But my kiddo’s journey to find and express their gender and sexuality took me a step further into my color analogy. When my kiddo first began talking to us about it, they describes themself as a demi-girl and explained that while part of them felt female, part of them felt non-gendered. At that time, they indicated that she/her or they/them pronouns were acceptable. Over time, their understanding about themselves developed, and they advised that they/them were their correct pronouns.

In the process of being educated about all the different types of gender expression and learning to identify some of the various flags, I found myself getting really loud inside my head. Why are folks slicing these distinctions so thin? Why are there so many different terms? My first thought after having these questions was: dang. I’m a shitty ally. My next thought was: way to make it about you. After taking some deep breaths and granting myself some grace, I asked myself why this bothered me. What followed was a beautiful moment of clarity in which, instead of receiving an answer, I received a new way to look at things. And it’s been such a helpful tool both for me and others I’ve shared it with, I want to share it with you.

Have you ever painted a room? Or picked out a color for your wedding? Or for a dress? Have you and your friends ever fought over the correct description of a color? I love the huge boxes of crayons and could wax poetic on the variations between periwinkle and cornflower. I remember my bridesmaid dresses were Royple—a royal blue/purple mix. There are a quadrillion different colors, each with barely perceptible differences. This one a bit more white, that one more grey, this one a shade pinker, that one more green.

One of my high school friends and I were obsessed with the color mint green (making a comeback these days. Woot!) We would wander through the store and discuss whether any given shirt was too blue or too green to be “officially” mint green. We knew what the color we loved was, and we knew when what we saw wasn’t it.

And no one I know has ever begrudged a person who is looking at paint chips but just hasn’t found that exact shade of whatever that their room needs. It might be frustrating because we don’t see the difference they see, but I don’t know anyone who has ever said that the difference isn’t there, or that someone should just settle settle for “close enough.” Colors are powerful and painting our rooms and homes in specific ways matters. We can all identify with that.

Here’s the thing: gender identity is a spectrum, just like color. Folks are making fine slices and creating new names and categories because they are looking for their “color” descriptor. And if I’m not going to begrudge someone trying to find the right color for their home or clothes or car or painting, I’m sure as heck not going to stop them from finding the right “shade” to describe who they know themselves to be.

Once I realized this, it became so easy to support not just my kiddo but everyone as they figure out who they are and how they want to be identified. And not just in terms of gender expression or sexuality. The truth is, we choose how we define ourselves in so many different ways everyday. Maybe it’s your given name, a nickname, or your middle name. Maybe you request a name change altogether. How about your profession? Do you like lawyer or attorney? Is “professor” good enough or does it need to be “doctor”? Dishwasher or underwater ceramics specialist? How about all the different names for grandparents? Are you Grandma? Nana? Gigi? You’re in a relationship. Are you a spouse? Partner? Boy/girlfriend? Date? Hookup?

Words matter. How we see ourselves, how we define ourselves, how we label ourselves matters. And having others acknowledge and accept those chosen definitions matters.

So pick your color and live it. Now, maybe you’re just blue. Any blue is fine. That’s awesome. I will honor your blue-ness. I just ask that you honor that I am not merely green, but mint green. And maybe we don’t agree on what mint green is, exactly. That’s okay. I don’t need you to be able to recognize mint green, or even see the difference between mint green and light green; just acknowledge that I do. That’s all anyone wants. Not perfection, but to be seen, recognized, and loved for who they are and how they see themselves. In this great big glorious world, I can think of nothing more beautiful I want to see.