Grief Traps: Personal Questions

Whether we know it or not, the questions we ask other people that we think are harmless "getting to know you" type questions can be grief traps.  Questions like: Are you married? can bring up the loss of an engagement, or the death of a spouse.  Do you have any children? brings up issues of infertility, miscarriage, how to answer if you gave up a child for adoption, and what to say if your child has died.  What do you do for a living? can bring up a firing, or forced retirement.  Where do you live? might bring up a home lost to bankruptcy, or downsizing, or an unwanted job change.

This is not to say that these questions are inappropriate, or should never be asked, but we need to be aware that the questions we ask don't always have simple answers.  We need to be cognizant that if we have, in fact, opened a door to someone's grief, we acknowledge that grief with a few kind words rather than run roughshod over it, run past it like it wasn't there, or pretend it didn't happen.  When you ask a question, really pay attention to the answer.  And if you have stepped in a grief trap, be gentle with the person and make sure you haven't left them in the hole before you leave the conversation.  It's the gracious and polite thing to do.