Once More Into the Breach
When we last left our intrepid parents, they were traveling home from family visits with a tired, precocious 13-month-old, trying to recover from a rather eventful trip while discerning whether they were crazy enough to have additional children....
Before we get back to that part of the story, I have to confess that I there is a rather large piece of the equation regarding our decision to have additional children that I haven't shared, but is a driving force behind my feelings of urgency. That is, once we're done having children, I'm having a hysterectomy. My body and I have never really gotten along in this regard. Whether it was ruptured ovarian cysts, extremely severe Mittelschmerz, endometriosis, or excessively long and heavy periods, I have always felt at war with myself. My cycles started when I was 9 and I was on birth control by age 16 to regulate my body and stop the cysts. However, you (generally) can't be on birth control and have kids. So, those years we were trying to have kids, without success, were particularly difficult for me because I was experiencing horrible physical pain in addition to the crushing sensation of failure each month.
Once we got pregnant with Lil' Bit, I had a reprieve that lasted almost 6 months postpartum, but it all came back with a vengeance. There had been a chance that my system would regulate itself and some of the issues would be gone. Sadly, it was not to be and each month I wait for the pain to begin all over again. Every month that we postponed having another child was another month of agony for me. I wasn't ready to say "no," however, because I knew that once we made that decision, it would foreclose the possibility for good. And so I struggled. I wanted to make sure we made the best decision we could for our family, but I desperately wanted to stop the pain which meant either having kids now, or foreclosing the possibility for good.
So, with that additional background, we find ourselves again in the middle of yet another discussion regarding additional children. Only, it went nothing like I expected. Today was our "drop dead" date for a February procedure because I would have to start shots tomorrow. With that in mind, as we were driving home on Monday, I asked Phil whether he would prefer if we just skipped February. In my mind, I was offering him more time to consider our options, the same way I had when I asked if he wanted to postpone the cycle from a January procedure. So, imagine my surprise when the first words out of his mouth were, "I think I'm okay with February." After I recovered from the mental whiplash I suffered upon processing his answer, I said something to the effect of, "Me, too." Although I certainly had not been expecting that answer, I knew it was what I wanted, so I was going to take him at his word and get the ball rolling.
Still, I wondered how had we gotten here? Only days before, we had both been leaning heavily toward not. I can't speak for Phil, but I know what changed for me. Mainly, I discovered that some part of my brain had been miscalculating the equation. In the midst of all the frustrating and stressful parts of parenting, some piece of me got the idea that the difference between 2 kids and 1 was the same as between 1 and 0. It isn't. Once you have the first, stress and frustration are a given. Not having a second child was not going to make my life stress-free. Lil' Bit would still get on my nerves and warm my heart and do all of the things she does now, regardless of whether we had additional children. Once my mind finally accepted that life was going to be stressful no matter which way we went, I was freed up to say "yes."
I also realized that one of the reasons I would like another child is the chance to pay better attention. When Lil' Bit came along, we had no idea what we were doing as parents. Everything was new and I was exhausted and overwhelmed. Now, I fully expect that there will be periods where I am exhausted and overwhelmed if there are additional children in our future. But, I get the chance to pay attention; to watch the baby grow and learn. To love the newborn when all it is is a lump that needs so much love and attention. I have spoken to or read accounts from many families where parents take great joy in the third or fourth child because they know it will be their last and so they savor every moment. I want to do that. I want to savor the moments because, chances are, this will be it. And, I want to watch both Lil' Bit and the possible future children grow into fully-functioning adults. I want to see who they become and watch how that happens. I want to see how they are different and how they are the same. I want to see them interact as siblings. I can honestly say that I want to have additional children for those children.
In addition, I realized that the 1-year follow-up visits for Lil' Bit aren't set in stone. Medicine is flexible. If and when we get pregnant and have a due date, we can alert the doctors and make sure the visits occur either prior to my due date, or get any number of friends to help us out if we have a newborn or two to deal with. Either way, we can manage it. I have every faith in my ability to schedule and plan that we can make it work.
Suddenly, *poof*, like magic, all of the problems didn't seem like problems anymore. And the decision felt right. Unlike the overwhelming sensation of drowning I had when we were looking at a January procedure, I have mostly a sense of calm about a February procedure. (I say mostly because I must admit to being slightly anxious about starting shots again tomorrow).
So, there you have it. The long of it (because there really is no short here), is that we have decided to go ahead with a frozen cycle--starting tomorrow!--resulting in an early February procedure and the potential for an Oct/Nov baby. Let's see what happens, shall we?
Before we get back to that part of the story, I have to confess that I there is a rather large piece of the equation regarding our decision to have additional children that I haven't shared, but is a driving force behind my feelings of urgency. That is, once we're done having children, I'm having a hysterectomy. My body and I have never really gotten along in this regard. Whether it was ruptured ovarian cysts, extremely severe Mittelschmerz, endometriosis, or excessively long and heavy periods, I have always felt at war with myself. My cycles started when I was 9 and I was on birth control by age 16 to regulate my body and stop the cysts. However, you (generally) can't be on birth control and have kids. So, those years we were trying to have kids, without success, were particularly difficult for me because I was experiencing horrible physical pain in addition to the crushing sensation of failure each month.
Once we got pregnant with Lil' Bit, I had a reprieve that lasted almost 6 months postpartum, but it all came back with a vengeance. There had been a chance that my system would regulate itself and some of the issues would be gone. Sadly, it was not to be and each month I wait for the pain to begin all over again. Every month that we postponed having another child was another month of agony for me. I wasn't ready to say "no," however, because I knew that once we made that decision, it would foreclose the possibility for good. And so I struggled. I wanted to make sure we made the best decision we could for our family, but I desperately wanted to stop the pain which meant either having kids now, or foreclosing the possibility for good.
So, with that additional background, we find ourselves again in the middle of yet another discussion regarding additional children. Only, it went nothing like I expected. Today was our "drop dead" date for a February procedure because I would have to start shots tomorrow. With that in mind, as we were driving home on Monday, I asked Phil whether he would prefer if we just skipped February. In my mind, I was offering him more time to consider our options, the same way I had when I asked if he wanted to postpone the cycle from a January procedure. So, imagine my surprise when the first words out of his mouth were, "I think I'm okay with February." After I recovered from the mental whiplash I suffered upon processing his answer, I said something to the effect of, "Me, too." Although I certainly had not been expecting that answer, I knew it was what I wanted, so I was going to take him at his word and get the ball rolling.
Still, I wondered how had we gotten here? Only days before, we had both been leaning heavily toward not. I can't speak for Phil, but I know what changed for me. Mainly, I discovered that some part of my brain had been miscalculating the equation. In the midst of all the frustrating and stressful parts of parenting, some piece of me got the idea that the difference between 2 kids and 1 was the same as between 1 and 0. It isn't. Once you have the first, stress and frustration are a given. Not having a second child was not going to make my life stress-free. Lil' Bit would still get on my nerves and warm my heart and do all of the things she does now, regardless of whether we had additional children. Once my mind finally accepted that life was going to be stressful no matter which way we went, I was freed up to say "yes."
I also realized that one of the reasons I would like another child is the chance to pay better attention. When Lil' Bit came along, we had no idea what we were doing as parents. Everything was new and I was exhausted and overwhelmed. Now, I fully expect that there will be periods where I am exhausted and overwhelmed if there are additional children in our future. But, I get the chance to pay attention; to watch the baby grow and learn. To love the newborn when all it is is a lump that needs so much love and attention. I have spoken to or read accounts from many families where parents take great joy in the third or fourth child because they know it will be their last and so they savor every moment. I want to do that. I want to savor the moments because, chances are, this will be it. And, I want to watch both Lil' Bit and the possible future children grow into fully-functioning adults. I want to see who they become and watch how that happens. I want to see how they are different and how they are the same. I want to see them interact as siblings. I can honestly say that I want to have additional children for those children.
In addition, I realized that the 1-year follow-up visits for Lil' Bit aren't set in stone. Medicine is flexible. If and when we get pregnant and have a due date, we can alert the doctors and make sure the visits occur either prior to my due date, or get any number of friends to help us out if we have a newborn or two to deal with. Either way, we can manage it. I have every faith in my ability to schedule and plan that we can make it work.
Suddenly, *poof*, like magic, all of the problems didn't seem like problems anymore. And the decision felt right. Unlike the overwhelming sensation of drowning I had when we were looking at a January procedure, I have mostly a sense of calm about a February procedure. (I say mostly because I must admit to being slightly anxious about starting shots again tomorrow).
So, there you have it. The long of it (because there really is no short here), is that we have decided to go ahead with a frozen cycle--starting tomorrow!--resulting in an early February procedure and the potential for an Oct/Nov baby. Let's see what happens, shall we?