Stepping Off the Platform

So, here we are.  Day 21.  I have just completed my first shot of my last IVF cycle.  I'm still surprised by how hard it is to give myself shots.  I thought I would be less anxious by now.  But, no.  No matter how many shots I have given myself--and each time the count goes up by at least one--I still have to psych myself up.  In fact, this one felt harder to convince myself to do than the very first shot I did 2 1/2 years ago.  I don't know if it's because of the finality of this cycle, or just my inherent survival instincts telling me to avoid pain.  Whatever it is, though, I overcame it and gave myself the shot.  Go me!  I marked the occasion with my traditional smiley face on my shot calendar, and now, I will go find something in my feel-better box to reward myself!

But the fact remains, I am standing at the beginning of the end.  My last chance to experience pregnancy and carry another child.  My last chance at a sibling for Lil' Bit.  My last heartbreak if it fails or I miscarry.  This ride is both familiar and brand new.  Although I know what to expect for the most part, I have no idea how knowing this is the last time will affect all of those experiences.  But I am ready.  And so, it is with anxiety, fear, trembling, trepidation, and excitement, but most of all, trust in our decision, that I step off the platform, sit down in the seat, and pull down the lap bar to secure myself for my last ride on the fertility roller coaster.

Shot calendar with a single smiley face
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