Goodbye Joy, Hello Truth
It's New Year's Eve, and I could not be more ready for this year to end. To be honest, I feel like I have been dealing with ever bigger struggles since we first started having trouble conceiving in 2008 and I am terrified about the year ahead. Meds and surgeries in 2009; IVF and rough pregnancy in 2010; CHD diagnosis, hospitalizations, heart caths, and open-heart surgery in 2011; miscarriage and failed IVF in 2012; IVF, rough pregnancy, CHD, rough delivery, surgeries, deaths, and hospitalizations in 2013; surgeries, hospitalizations, depression, and Patrick's death in 2014. Six years of increasingly difficult experiences. I am tapped out. I don't know if I can handle any more. I know that I said that last year, and that this year was much worse and I'm still standing. It has become obvious that each time I have said enough, the universe has tested me and pushed me and showed me that, in fact, it could give me more and I would survive. I'm also well aware that there are many worse things that could be sent my way. I don't want them. I am trying desperately not to challenge the universe. I don't want to know how strong I can be.
At the same time, I don't want to focus on the negatives. I want to focus on something positive, under the theory that we manifest those things on which we focus our energy. As 2015 has approached, I began the task of figuring out my word for the year. Let me back up--in my family, instead of make New Year's resolutions, we pick a word or attribute that we want to focus on, work on, or manifest in the year ahead. I have previously picked words like discernment and abundance. One year, I picked patience, before I knew better. Last year, having had such a crummy 2013, I picked joy. I wanted to manifest joy in my life. Hahahahaha! What I got was lots of opportunities to find joy in the rough and tumble world of hospitals and death. As a result of the experiences this year, I've been (I think reasonably) scared of picking my word for 2015. I felt like it needed to be "perfect"; that, somehow, if I could just pick the right word, I will have an easier year in 2015.
I thought I had finally managed to narrow it to three: miracles, release, and connection. Then, this afternoon, I read an article by someone else who was picking a word for next year. The article included a list of questions to ask in formulating said word. In asking myself those questions, I came up with a few other thoughts, including success, family, truth, comfort, and insight. As I tried to decide which of these words would be the best one to select, it occurred to me that I was picking my word out of fear. Fear that it would be hard. Fear that it would bring more struggles and grief. I was, once again, trying to outsmart God--as though that were actually possible. So, I tried my best to get my head out of it. I wrote the words on paper, folded them, put them in a hat, and picked one. The result was unexpected. Of all the ones I thought might come up, this wasn't it. Maybe that's why it came up. Who knows. For good or ill, my word for 2015 is:
At the same time, I don't want to focus on the negatives. I want to focus on something positive, under the theory that we manifest those things on which we focus our energy. As 2015 has approached, I began the task of figuring out my word for the year. Let me back up--in my family, instead of make New Year's resolutions, we pick a word or attribute that we want to focus on, work on, or manifest in the year ahead. I have previously picked words like discernment and abundance. One year, I picked patience, before I knew better. Last year, having had such a crummy 2013, I picked joy. I wanted to manifest joy in my life. Hahahahaha! What I got was lots of opportunities to find joy in the rough and tumble world of hospitals and death. As a result of the experiences this year, I've been (I think reasonably) scared of picking my word for 2015. I felt like it needed to be "perfect"; that, somehow, if I could just pick the right word, I will have an easier year in 2015.
I thought I had finally managed to narrow it to three: miracles, release, and connection. Then, this afternoon, I read an article by someone else who was picking a word for next year. The article included a list of questions to ask in formulating said word. In asking myself those questions, I came up with a few other thoughts, including success, family, truth, comfort, and insight. As I tried to decide which of these words would be the best one to select, it occurred to me that I was picking my word out of fear. Fear that it would be hard. Fear that it would bring more struggles and grief. I was, once again, trying to outsmart God--as though that were actually possible. So, I tried my best to get my head out of it. I wrote the words on paper, folded them, put them in a hat, and picked one. The result was unexpected. Of all the ones I thought might come up, this wasn't it. Maybe that's why it came up. Who knows. For good or ill, my word for 2015 is:
Truth
And as I thought about the word, I was reminded of a line of a covenant from a church I attended in my youth: to seek the truth in love. So, I wrote my own covenant for the year, to help keep me on track with my word:
Love is the spirit of my life,
And truth shall be its law.
I will seek the truth in love.
I will speak my truth with love.
And I will help others find their truth.
This is my covenant.
So, goodbye #Joy2014 and hello #Truth2015. See you next year.