The "F" Word

In my last post, I mentioned that I was on disability.  I was previously on disability for depression after Patrick died and for a degenerative disc in my back until I lost enough weight to make the pain stop.  Recently, my fibromyalgia has gotten out of control.  The pain and stiffness began to come more frequently.  My good days came and went with the weather.  I am exhausted all the time, no matter how much sleep I get, or if I take a nap.  But what bothers me most is the brain fog.  It's just so frustrating.  I forget words.  Simple words.  Useful words.  All kinds of words.  All the time.  It makes talking and writing much more difficult than it used to be.  And for me--the person who uses words for precision and to figure out my thoughts--it is infuriating and disabling.  Then there are the crazy things I do, like pour cereal on plates instead of in bowls, or put toothpaste on my flosser.  Twice I ended up in my car to run errands without shoes on.  But the real kicker happened this weekend.  I was at church, and there was a person there.  I sat and talked with them, and Phil told me their name.  Not once did I recognize this person.  Not until much later did Phil mention their spouse, and I suddenly knew who they were and that I had met them several times before, had long conversations with them, and even held their children.  Granted it had been in the years before Patrick, but still.  I have always been good with faces and voices, even if I am bad with names.  It never occurred to me that I would forget a person entirely because of the brain fog.  Now, it's possible that it's something other than the brain fog.  In fact, my doctor said if the brain fog didn't get better, he was going to send me for a neurology evaluation just to rule out anything else.  But, whether it's brain fog or something else, I'm terrified that I may not be able to go back to work.  My job requires precision and being detail-oriented with words and grammar.  How can I do that if words fail me?  How can I do that if I have to triple-check basic emails to make sure I have correctly typed things that used to be so simple?  I'm seeing a rheumatology-certified NP next week who will hopefully help me get my fibro under control, but fibro meds usually work on the sleep and pain and stiffness.  I don't know any that help the brain fog.  Now maybe fixing those other things will help the fog.  I don't know.  What I do know is that, for now, I feel trapped in a body outside of my control.  So whether the "F" word if fibro, or frustrating, or f*^%, they are all in my vocabulary these days.