What Now?
My Chiron return was in June and, apparently, I (metaphorically) fell “off the roof” (This is astrological and Human Design stuff. For current purposes, you just need to know that coming “off the roof” is a major life transition for people with a particular design, which I have). Just a few hours after the transit, I broke my ankle. While standing still no less. More than a month later, I still feel lost; like I have no idea what I'm doing.
Eight years ago, my body began telling me that the thing I loved most and was good at (law and being a lawyer) was no longer a viable employment option. I tried doing it differently, doing less of it, all kinds of things. But my brain wasn’t braining the way it used to, and I just wasn’t able to keep up and complete assignments. At the beginning of this year, I finally received something to respond to that made clear it was time to hang up my lawyer hat. I’ve been gutted ever since and, if I’m being honest, still harboring hopes that something will change or happen in the future that will let me go back. In the meantime, I’ve been trying to figure out what that means for now.
I know that where I'm headed has to do with spirituality and intuition. More specifically, I have felt called down a path to mediumship. But the more I try to learn, the more I feel like I'm forcing it. I'm heavily defined in the logic circuit (13 gates), and I just realized that I keep looking for answers, hoping someone has the message that will finally get through. Instead, I just keep receiving the same three messages on repeat:
Meditate;
Trust; and
You are the one you've been waiting for.
Image by petr sidorov, @m_malkovich on Unsplash
Now, I’ll be honest with you. I have been receiving the message to meditate since I was in my teens. And I keep not doing it. Or rather, I try, and it doesn’t seem to work and I just shrug and quit. Over and over and over. Somehow, I believed that if I just ran long enough and fast enough and ignored it long enough, the message would change. Then I discovered Human Design and saw my BodyGraph. With my conscious Earth in Embodiment and my unconscious Earth in Stillness, meditation is not a mere suggestion; it’s woven into my very existence. That message isn’t going anywhere. So, I pulled up my big-girl pants and surrendered. I found an app that resonated with me and have been doing 4 to 5 three-minute “pauses” each day. I’m not “trying” to meditate, which has always failed in the past. Instead, I’m simply focusing on the breath, saying “In. Out. In. Out,” over and over silently in my head. And when I realize my mind has wandered from that pattern, I drop the thought and focus back on the breath. I don’t know whether I’m doing it right, or doing enough, but I am doing. And that’s enough for now. Gold star for me.
In the continued spirit of honesty, I’m not really any better at Trust than I was/am at Meditate. I’ve been knocked down a lot by life. Sometimes it happens so quickly I don’t even get a full breath between punches, let alone a chance to pick myself back up. And even though I’ve been able to make sense of much of it, and have come to appreciate the lessons learned and growth I experienced from the events, it doesn’t make it any easier. Indeed, these days, when I get kicked back down, my first feeling is, “Really? I haven’t been though enough?” But that’s just it. There is no such thing as “going through” enough. The reward for success is new challenges. All I can do is trust that there’s a reason for what is happening, and that it’s happening for me, instead of to me. As you probably know from your own struggles, this is exceedingly difficult, especially in the moment. But I’m working on it. So, much like meditation, when I find my brain starting to spiral into “what-if” land, I try to turn the focus back to trust. Somehow, in some way, this is for me. I may not understand why or how—now or ever. And it likely won’t take the sting out of pain and grief. But that moment. That reminder. It pulls me out for just a second. Long enough to take a breath. And maybe next time I’ll get two breaths in before the spiral comes back. Each additional breath is another second of trust. And it’s one more than I had before.
I have started referring to the “You are the one you’ve been waiting for” message as Second Elsa (from the Book of Frozen). In Frozen 2, there is an amazing song called “Show Yourself.” In it, Elsa ends up singing a duet with her mother’s spirit, as Elsa finally figures out that the magical person she keeps feeling called by is herself. In the beginning of the song, Elsa is begging the person, “Are you the one I’ve been looking for all of my life? Show yourself! I’m ready to learn.” She knows that, “I’m here for a reason. Could it be the reason I was born? I have always been so different. Normal rules did not apply. Is this the day? Are you the way I finally find out why?” She continues to walk toward her destination, changing her question to a statement: “You are the answer I’ve waited for all of my life. Show Yourself! Let me see who you are.” When she finally reaches the end, she finds memories, and the voice of her mother sings, “Come my darling homeward bound.” To which Elsa replies, “I am found!” Then they sing together:
Image from Frozen 2, copyright Disney
Show yourself. Step into your power.
Grow yourself into something new.
Mom: You are the one you’ve been waiting for
Elsa: All of my life
Mom: All of your life
Show yourself.
This is the deepest, most Human Design song I have come across. It is God/Source/The Universe staring right into my soul, calling me out to become the person I came here to be. I cry every time I sing it. Every. Single. Time. Sometimes it turns into a big ugly cry where I can’t even get breath out to keep singing, so I just keep mouthing along to the words. But I still sing it. Because it makes me feel. And I spent so long being shut off from my feelings that I take anything that makes me feel and be in my body as a good sign.
And the message could not be clearer. Stop looking for the answer outside of myself! But I still do. I don’t fully trust myself. My intuition. That I’m on the right path. That I’m doing it right. That any confusion I have is part of the process. To quote Taylor Swift, “It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem. It’s me.” Turns out, I am both the cause of and solution to my own problems. Ugh. In my moments of despair, this feels like the greatest clusterf$@k. If only I can solve this, I’m so screwed. But when I’m in the right space? This is empowerment. This is agency. I’m the one who can solve this. I have the power.
Image by Kaitlyn Baker, @kaitlynbaker on Unsplash
The answer isn’t in the transits. It’s not in my chart. It’s not in any free or paid course I can enroll in. It’s not something external that I can find or learn. It’s inside. That’s the only place I’m going to find it. And I can only find it by doing the things. Writing. Meditating. Trying different things. Trusting one more second today than I did yesterday. Recognizing the power and joy and freedom in being the only one who can do this. Find me. Grow me. Be me.
It's not the answer I want. If I wanted to meditate, I would have heeded that call long before now. If it were easy to trust, I would have done it already. I would already believe in myself. About 25 years ago, I was at a Carolyn Myss conference where she talked about how most people talk about asking God/The Universe for an answer of what to do, but always say they don’t get an answer. She then explained that it wasn’t true. We almost always already know the answer. The problem is that we don’t like the answer, so we keep looking for another answer. 99 times out of 100, if you feel stuck and don’t know what to do, just ask yourself, “What do I most not want to do?” That will be the thing that you need to do. She’s still right. Harumph.
So this is me. Committing to the work. To the doing of the things that I keep avoiding because I want the answer to be something else. After all, not doing it hasn’t gotten me to where I want to be. Might as well give it a try.
Embracing the Woo
I want to start this post differently than I usually do—with a definition, a disclaimer, and an invitation.
What is “woo”? Woo, short for “woo woo” means those things that are more spiritual, out there, unscientific, and sometimes unproveable. Crystals, essential oils, flower essences, astrology, magic, light language, Atlantean teachings, past lives, starseeds, different vibrational dimensions, Human Design, and EFT (tapping) are just some of the things that can fall into the category of woo. And we each have our own unique woo tolerance depending on our own experiences, upbringings, and so forth. What you accept and believe may be well outside of someone else’s woo tolerance. Where we sit on the woo continuum and where our woo “squeal” point lies may change over our lives.
I’m telling you upfront that the content of this post contains a lot of woo so that if woo makes you uncomfortable, you can stop here. I’m not trying to change your beliefs about any of this. Where you are on your spiritual journey is exactly where you need to be.
I am sharing this story because I like for those in my life to know what’s going on with me, writing about my experiences helps me process them, and many of you have shared that you have found healing and validation when I have spoken out about subjects our society isn’t keen on talking about openly. And if you’re curious enough to read on but nothing in this story resonates with you, then I invite you to simply say, “How interesting” and move on.
Now, for background context, I have spent a little more than a year working on more esoteric, energy, and spiritual practices. I have invested time and resources to change in my daily habits, thoughts, outlook, and mindset, and engaging with astrology and Human Design to figure out my life purpose, why I am here, and what some of the challenges are for my in the years ahead.
None of this has been easy for me. I have sought support in groups of like-minded individuals, but have shied away from sharing with friends, family, and readers, because I have a lot of logical skeptics in my life, and it felt too new and precious and vulnerable to share. I was not ready to hear the nay-sayers for fear they would cause me to second guess my decisions and stop listening to my intuition, with which I was only just reconnecting and learning to hear.
I was blessed with scholarships to amazing online classes taught by strong women who began life steeped in science and logic and the left brain but whose life experiences opened them up and provided real, tangible proof of the truth of these lessons. These women and the other individuals I met in the classes and their communities helped reassure me that I was on the right path. I began to wholeheartedly embrace the woo.
Earlier this fall, it became clear that I am supposed to work on my gift of mediumship. Patrick showed up and connected me with a gifted woman who I now consider a close friend. That friend introduced me to the work of Suzanne Giesemann, a former navy officer who was an assistant to the Joint Chiefs of Staff, who developed an evidence-based mediumship practice after her step-daughter’s death convinced her there was more to life than our physical reality.
For the past month, I have been taking an online course on mediumship for which I received a scholarship. I am also going to start practicing with a small group of other folks who are also working on strengthening their gifts. Part of this process has involved starting and sustaining a meditation practice and connecting with my spirit guides. And some of the things I have been asking for are for signs of contact, confirmations of messages, and other evidence that I am on the right track.
This is all background to set the stage for this story. Earlier this week, I sat at the dining room table drinking tea when I heard an electronic chirp. You know the one. The dreaded smoke alarm low battery beep. It was coming from the kitchen. And I just knew, before I even went to look, that it was going to be the really high one by the ceiling. Why? Because it was the most inconvenient one and we didn’t own a ladder to reach it.
I gave it three more chirps before I went to investigate. Yup. It was coming from the high one.
If you’re paying close attention, you’ll see two smoke alarms in this picture. One about 2-3 feet above the doorframe on the wall, and one just to the right of the same doorframe. The two square items to the left of the doorframe are the thermostat and I don’t know what.
I hauled out one of our bar height dining room chairs to stand on to see if I could reach the smoke alarm. Standing on tip toe on the chair, my fingers could indeed reach the bottom of the smoke alarm. I began trying to turn the smoke alarm left and right, to remove it from the frame, but it wouldn’t budge.
After a few minutes, I got down from the chair and rotated the smoke alarm to my right to figure out what direction it should turn, so I could focus my efforts. While I had it off the wall, I confirmed that it had a battery, that the battery had a good charge, and that it was not the source of the chirping.
I eventually returned to the chair and redoubled my efforts to get this chirping thing off the dang wall. I pushed and pushed and pushed with my fingers as best I could until I finally felt it budge. Yay!
I hopped down off the chair, flipped that thing over, and popped open the battery compartment. This is what greeted me.
It had no battery. My mind exploded. I was shook. I had just spent 15 minutes listening to this alarm chirp the “low battery” chirp when it had no battery!
I knew, in that moment, that it was a message from spirit, and I had to make a choice. I could believe the evidence of the communication in front of me and move forward honing my gifts, knowing that I was going to experience more unexplainable things, or I could turn my back and shut down my gifts again. But I couldn’t stay who I was. That was no longer an option.
Honestly, I was so excited! I have believed in spirits and trusted mediums for a long time. To see some validation of the work I had just begun felt so reassuring. But it also meant that I had to leave my comfort zone. I would have to start telling people what I was up to. If this were to become a profession, I couldn’t exactly hide it.
So I’ve sat with this story for several days. I shared it with my kiddo and my spouse and my counselor and my close medium friend. And each telling left me feeling more excited. More empowered. More validated. And it left me with the feeling that now was the time to share the story, and the background behind it, more publicly.
So here we are. Now you too have a choice. You can believe my story as I experienced it and relayed it to you. You can find some version that includes details I left out or didn’t discover that makes it “make sense” according to the “regular” rules of our existence. You can write me off as someone not worthy of belief—perhaps a Christmas fruitcake.
Whatever you decide is fine. I don’t need you to believe me. My experience and my interpretation of that experience are sufficient for me. I have chosen to share because it was an amazing moment of growth and realization for me, and I have come to love sharing those moments with you. What you do with this story now is up to you.
I hope you’ll join me on my continuing journey as I discover and hone these gifts and help support me through the challenges ahead. But if not, if it’s too woo, or whatever other reason it may be, I understand. I bear you no ill will. You’re on your own path, and it’s perfect for you the same way mine is perfect for me. And I love that for both of us.
Namaste.
PS - all of the smoke detectors in the house have fresh batteries, and the ones that were more than 10 years old (the one that chirped and one other I found that also lacked a battery were both 21 years old (!!)) have been completely replaced. Because whatever else the message was for me, I recognized a sign to update smoke alarms when I saw it.