Premonitions, Superstitions, and Hope
Yesterday was transfer day. We had three great embryos, two 9-cell and one 8-cell, all growing like gangbusters. The doctor was extremely pleased by their quality. Our official blood tests are the 25th and 27th and chances are good that I will use an hpt before that. If you had asked me before yesterday if I thought it was going to work, I would have said no. Yesterday morning brought all of the usual anxiety and excitement and I started to get into the, well, it might work, vibe. Hearing about how good the embryos are--even betterr than the ones we used in the last two FETs--I could feel my heart cracking open and letting in some hope. But, it was something else about the visit that broke my heart completely open and has me convinced that this one is going to work.
See, when we went through our fresh cycle with Lil' Bit, we got a picture of the two 4-cell embryos they put in. Having that picture made the babies seem concrete. Something to focus on and give solidity to the process. When we went for our first FET, their camera was broken. No picture. I remember being sad that Oilver wouldn't have the cool embryo baby picture Lil' Bit did. Then we had the miscarriage. When we went for what we thought was our last FET, I remember thinking that if we didn't get a picture, it wasn't going to work. I only had the thought once, on the way to the transfer, and it didn't stop me from being hopeful, but I clearly remember thinking to myself after we got the negative result, of course it failed--there was no picture.
Time passed and we moved forward with this transfer. Once again, on the way to the center, a little voice inside me said, it won't work unless you get a picture. So, as soon as I was in the transfer room, I asked Dr. D--"Do we get a picture?" He said yes, and I felt my heart break open. As soon as he handed it to us, I started quietly crying. I looked over at Phil and whispered, "It's going to work this time. Because we have a picture."
Yes, this falls into the realm of superstition. But I also know that belief and outcome are connected. Maybe the small voice inside me was wrong. Maybe my hopes will be dashed. We'll know soon enough. For now, I want to bask in the unexpected change I experienced--from negativity to positivity--all from a single picture. This picture. Isn't life amazing!
See, when we went through our fresh cycle with Lil' Bit, we got a picture of the two 4-cell embryos they put in. Having that picture made the babies seem concrete. Something to focus on and give solidity to the process. When we went for our first FET, their camera was broken. No picture. I remember being sad that Oilver wouldn't have the cool embryo baby picture Lil' Bit did. Then we had the miscarriage. When we went for what we thought was our last FET, I remember thinking that if we didn't get a picture, it wasn't going to work. I only had the thought once, on the way to the transfer, and it didn't stop me from being hopeful, but I clearly remember thinking to myself after we got the negative result, of course it failed--there was no picture.
Time passed and we moved forward with this transfer. Once again, on the way to the center, a little voice inside me said, it won't work unless you get a picture. So, as soon as I was in the transfer room, I asked Dr. D--"Do we get a picture?" He said yes, and I felt my heart break open. As soon as he handed it to us, I started quietly crying. I looked over at Phil and whispered, "It's going to work this time. Because we have a picture."
Yes, this falls into the realm of superstition. But I also know that belief and outcome are connected. Maybe the small voice inside me was wrong. Maybe my hopes will be dashed. We'll know soon enough. For now, I want to bask in the unexpected change I experienced--from negativity to positivity--all from a single picture. This picture. Isn't life amazing!
