The Curse of the Two Week Wait
This week started with such promise. I was living in the giddy glow that I was sure the procedure worked and the only real issue was how many we would have. I started using hpts to see if anything would show up yet. Nothing so far, which isn't really much of a surprise. It would be really rare to see anything this early. Only, with each negative result, my certainty that the procedure worked started to chip away. Then, this morning, I got hit with the sads. An overwhelming, I keep starting to cry out of nowhere, sad.
It took most of the day to realize that at least part of it is the upcoming anniversary of my miscarriage. But, as I sat with it, I realized that another part of my problem is my control needs. See, there's no way to prepare myself for every outcome. It could be triplets, twins, a singleton, or none at all. There is simply no emotional preparation that is appropriate for all of those outcomes. Thus, the solution would be to not prepare and just go with the flow. The whole "what will be will be" mantra. Only, that's not me. I'm a preparer. Indeed, it's one of the reasons I keep using hpts. I'm trying to prepare myself. See, if I get an early positive, it's more likely to be multiples. If nothing has shown up by Saturday, it's unlikely to be a positive beta and I'm not caught off guard by the results on Monday. Still, my inability to know anything definitively and the continued negative results only feed my fear that this cycle has failed and that I will learn as much only days after the anniversary of the loss of Oliver. Needless to say, I am an emotional mess. Come Monday, all of this waiting and not knowing will be over one way or the other. I just need to get through five days. So, I try and comfort myself by looking at my picture. And I hope. Because, without control or knowledge, it's all I have. Still, it's something.
Five days and counting...
It took most of the day to realize that at least part of it is the upcoming anniversary of my miscarriage. But, as I sat with it, I realized that another part of my problem is my control needs. See, there's no way to prepare myself for every outcome. It could be triplets, twins, a singleton, or none at all. There is simply no emotional preparation that is appropriate for all of those outcomes. Thus, the solution would be to not prepare and just go with the flow. The whole "what will be will be" mantra. Only, that's not me. I'm a preparer. Indeed, it's one of the reasons I keep using hpts. I'm trying to prepare myself. See, if I get an early positive, it's more likely to be multiples. If nothing has shown up by Saturday, it's unlikely to be a positive beta and I'm not caught off guard by the results on Monday. Still, my inability to know anything definitively and the continued negative results only feed my fear that this cycle has failed and that I will learn as much only days after the anniversary of the loss of Oliver. Needless to say, I am an emotional mess. Come Monday, all of this waiting and not knowing will be over one way or the other. I just need to get through five days. So, I try and comfort myself by looking at my picture. And I hope. Because, without control or knowledge, it's all I have. Still, it's something.
Five days and counting...