Cleaning My Way Calm

When I was younger, I had a very messy room.  If I was forced to clean it, things got shoved under the bed, or into the closet, or into drawers.  I know it drove my mother crazy.  As I got older, I began to keep a tidier room--much easier to find things that way.  Still, I was not the most organized person.  Somehow, as I grew older, my need for order increased, and I began to do crazy things like organize books, tapes, CDs, and videos, alphabetically within specific categories.  I became something of a neat freak, but only in certain areas.  Clothes could still pile up, and mail might make a big pile on my desk before I got around to looking at it.

When Phil and I were dating, it became clear that he didn't care much for organization.  His apartment and office at work looked pretty cluttered.  I figured I could live with it, and we figured out how to share space fairly well over the last 15 years.  Initially, we managed it by having separate offices and making his side of the bedroom the one away from the door.  As children arrived in our lives, I spent the first year of Lil' Bit's life trying to maintain order.  It was very hard not to undo all of her "work," which just looked like destruction and disorder to me.  Still, I read that kids get frustrated and stop trying when you keep cleaning stuff up, so I curbed my tendencies.  And, honestly, the addition of a second high-needs child has really allowed my cleaning and organization to slide immensely.  

Over time, I have gotten more accostomed to the clutter.  Still, there always comes a time, sometimes sooner, sometimes later, when I *must* clean.  I've never really understood the trigger for when it must occur--until today.  As Lil' Bit was bouncing on the exercise ball and Jellybean was screaming through another tube feed, I had suddenly had enough and began tidying the room a little.  Lil' Bit asked what I was doing and, in a frustrated voice (although I managed not to yell), I said "Cleaning up because I can't take it any more."  In true three-year-old manner, she asked, "Why?"  I took a deep breath and tried to think of something to say.  Phil managed to fill in, "Because we can only take so much chaos."

And there it was.  The answer to when I can't take it anymore.  If I am calm and having a reasonably easy time, I can handle more clutter.  Once I get stressed, I *must* have order and the only thing I can control and bring out of chaos (at least to some degree) is my house.  And, once things are cleaner, I feel calmer.  You should have seen how zen I was--for weeks--after my kitchen and refrigerator got cleaned.  I don't know if my mom feels this kind of zen when her house is clean, but, if so, I totally get why she was always doing it.  I knew my organization was tied to my need for control, but I never thought my cleaning was.  But, it is.  Cleaning is my way to stave off some of the chaos in my life and bring some needed order in to usher in some calm.  Now that I know that, I think I will try and find more time to keep the house clean.  It's hard to find the time, but given how much better I feel after it's done, it's probably one of the better uses of my time I can invest in.

Now I just have to work on not losing the zen when Lil' Bit wants to "help." :)