What Now?
My Chiron return was in June and, apparently, I (metaphorically) fell “off the roof” (This is astrological and Human Design stuff. For current purposes, you just need to know that coming “off the roof” is a major life transition for people with a particular design, which I have). Just a few hours after the transit, I broke my ankle. While standing still no less. More than a month later, I still feel lost; like I have no idea what I'm doing.
Eight years ago, my body began telling me that the thing I loved most and was good at (law and being a lawyer) was no longer a viable employment option. I tried doing it differently, doing less of it, all kinds of things. But my brain wasn’t braining the way it used to, and I just wasn’t able to keep up and complete assignments. At the beginning of this year, I finally received something to respond to that made clear it was time to hang up my lawyer hat. I’ve been gutted ever since and, if I’m being honest, still harboring hopes that something will change or happen in the future that will let me go back. In the meantime, I’ve been trying to figure out what that means for now.
I know that where I'm headed has to do with spirituality and intuition. More specifically, I have felt called down a path to mediumship. But the more I try to learn, the more I feel like I'm forcing it. I'm heavily defined in the logic circuit (13 gates), and I just realized that I keep looking for answers, hoping someone has the message that will finally get through. Instead, I just keep receiving the same three messages on repeat:
Meditate;
Trust; and
You are the one you've been waiting for.
Image by petr sidorov, @m_malkovich on Unsplash
Now, I’ll be honest with you. I have been receiving the message to meditate since I was in my teens. And I keep not doing it. Or rather, I try, and it doesn’t seem to work and I just shrug and quit. Over and over and over. Somehow, I believed that if I just ran long enough and fast enough and ignored it long enough, the message would change. Then I discovered Human Design and saw my BodyGraph. With my conscious Earth in Embodiment and my unconscious Earth in Stillness, meditation is not a mere suggestion; it’s woven into my very existence. That message isn’t going anywhere. So, I pulled up my big-girl pants and surrendered. I found an app that resonated with me and have been doing 4 to 5 three-minute “pauses” each day. I’m not “trying” to meditate, which has always failed in the past. Instead, I’m simply focusing on the breath, saying “In. Out. In. Out,” over and over silently in my head. And when I realize my mind has wandered from that pattern, I drop the thought and focus back on the breath. I don’t know whether I’m doing it right, or doing enough, but I am doing. And that’s enough for now. Gold star for me.
In the continued spirit of honesty, I’m not really any better at Trust than I was/am at Meditate. I’ve been knocked down a lot by life. Sometimes it happens so quickly I don’t even get a full breath between punches, let alone a chance to pick myself back up. And even though I’ve been able to make sense of much of it, and have come to appreciate the lessons learned and growth I experienced from the events, it doesn’t make it any easier. Indeed, these days, when I get kicked back down, my first feeling is, “Really? I haven’t been though enough?” But that’s just it. There is no such thing as “going through” enough. The reward for success is new challenges. All I can do is trust that there’s a reason for what is happening, and that it’s happening for me, instead of to me. As you probably know from your own struggles, this is exceedingly difficult, especially in the moment. But I’m working on it. So, much like meditation, when I find my brain starting to spiral into “what-if” land, I try to turn the focus back to trust. Somehow, in some way, this is for me. I may not understand why or how—now or ever. And it likely won’t take the sting out of pain and grief. But that moment. That reminder. It pulls me out for just a second. Long enough to take a breath. And maybe next time I’ll get two breaths in before the spiral comes back. Each additional breath is another second of trust. And it’s one more than I had before.
I have started referring to the “You are the one you’ve been waiting for” message as Second Elsa (from the Book of Frozen). In Frozen 2, there is an amazing song called “Show Yourself.” In it, Elsa ends up singing a duet with her mother’s spirit, as Elsa finally figures out that the magical person she keeps feeling called by is herself. In the beginning of the song, Elsa is begging the person, “Are you the one I’ve been looking for all of my life? Show yourself! I’m ready to learn.” She knows that, “I’m here for a reason. Could it be the reason I was born? I have always been so different. Normal rules did not apply. Is this the day? Are you the way I finally find out why?” She continues to walk toward her destination, changing her question to a statement: “You are the answer I’ve waited for all of my life. Show Yourself! Let me see who you are.” When she finally reaches the end, she finds memories, and the voice of her mother sings, “Come my darling homeward bound.” To which Elsa replies, “I am found!” Then they sing together:
Image from Frozen 2, copyright Disney
Show yourself. Step into your power.
Grow yourself into something new.
Mom: You are the one you’ve been waiting for
Elsa: All of my life
Mom: All of your life
Show yourself.
This is the deepest, most Human Design song I have come across. It is God/Source/The Universe staring right into my soul, calling me out to become the person I came here to be. I cry every time I sing it. Every. Single. Time. Sometimes it turns into a big ugly cry where I can’t even get breath out to keep singing, so I just keep mouthing along to the words. But I still sing it. Because it makes me feel. And I spent so long being shut off from my feelings that I take anything that makes me feel and be in my body as a good sign.
And the message could not be clearer. Stop looking for the answer outside of myself! But I still do. I don’t fully trust myself. My intuition. That I’m on the right path. That I’m doing it right. That any confusion I have is part of the process. To quote Taylor Swift, “It’s me. Hi. I’m the problem. It’s me.” Turns out, I am both the cause of and solution to my own problems. Ugh. In my moments of despair, this feels like the greatest clusterf$@k. If only I can solve this, I’m so screwed. But when I’m in the right space? This is empowerment. This is agency. I’m the one who can solve this. I have the power.
Image by Kaitlyn Baker, @kaitlynbaker on Unsplash
The answer isn’t in the transits. It’s not in my chart. It’s not in any free or paid course I can enroll in. It’s not something external that I can find or learn. It’s inside. That’s the only place I’m going to find it. And I can only find it by doing the things. Writing. Meditating. Trying different things. Trusting one more second today than I did yesterday. Recognizing the power and joy and freedom in being the only one who can do this. Find me. Grow me. Be me.
It's not the answer I want. If I wanted to meditate, I would have heeded that call long before now. If it were easy to trust, I would have done it already. I would already believe in myself. About 25 years ago, I was at a Carolyn Myss conference where she talked about how most people talk about asking God/The Universe for an answer of what to do, but always say they don’t get an answer. She then explained that it wasn’t true. We almost always already know the answer. The problem is that we don’t like the answer, so we keep looking for another answer. 99 times out of 100, if you feel stuck and don’t know what to do, just ask yourself, “What do I most not want to do?” That will be the thing that you need to do. She’s still right. Harumph.
So this is me. Committing to the work. To the doing of the things that I keep avoiding because I want the answer to be something else. After all, not doing it hasn’t gotten me to where I want to be. Might as well give it a try.
Returning to Writing
I’ve been quiet for quite some time now, and while there are lots of reasons for it (which may or may not come to light in future posts), the long and short of it is that I’ve realized that I need to be writing again. It’s how I process things. Events. Feelings. How I figure myself out. How I figure out what’s next. That was the whole point of having a blog. So I could talk things through with myself. And by posting these things, you could come along with me on the journey if you wanted. Because I learned that sometimes something I had to say would resonate or help you too. All of which is to say: Welcome back!
Example BodyGraph
Now, back in December, I posted about my move toward embracing more esoteric, spiritual, energy-based teaching and practices. Along the way, I have learned about something called Human Design. Without getting too deep into it, Human Design is all about helping you to be more of who you are and who you came here to be. It’s about learning to get back in touch with your internal authority and then act consistently with that authority.
To figure out what kind of internal authority you have and how you best make decisions, create, use, and replenish your energy, Human Design uses your birth information (date, time, location) to create a chart called a BodyGraph which maps out where the planets were at the time of your birth and approximately 88 days before. That chart provides multiple layers of information designed to help you know yourself and get back in touch with the places where the world told and conditioned you not to be yourself. It also provides information about your life purpose (hint, it’s not your job).
One of the things I love most about Human Design is that it describes the process of learning about yourself and your design as an experiment. There are no correct answers; only answers that are correct for you. You learn something, run it past your internal authority, try it out, and see if it resonates or works for you. Keep what works and throw the rest away.
Why am I telling you so much about Human Design? A few reasons. First, it has become a huge part of my process for figuring out who I am and what I’m here to do. So as I walk (and write) through this process, I’ll be talking about it a lot and using some of the jargon. My goal is to provide small explanations within the posts themselves that will allow you to understand my posts without having to do even a surface-level dive. However, in the event you find yourself wanting to learn more, I am going to create two additional spaces on my site. The first will be a reference page, where I link to all types of resources for learning more about Human Design or other related modalities for self-discovery. The second is that I am going to create my own Human Design explainer posts. During my own self-improvement process, I have become Level 3 Certified in Quantum Human Design™. I have not yet begun a practice of doing paid readings for others, although I am contemplating doing so. But in the meantime, I do want to share more about it. And creating my own posts is a win/win: you won’t have to go wandering all over the internet for information (but you can if you want to!), and I can include and highlight the things most important to me.
So, whether you’ve stuck with me from the beginning, just come back, or are joining me for the first time, I want to thank you for being here. I hope you find something fun, helpful, hopeful, and meaningful in something I’ve written.
TTFN.*
*Back in the 1990s, I was obsessed with Winnie The Pooh, especially Tigger (I still love it; just not quite to the same degree). I used Tigger’s sign-off, TTFN (Ta Ta For Now), as my sign-off on handwritten letters and emails for many, many years. I was trying to think of something to use as a sign-off here other than just my initials and remembered when this was my thing. It felt like just the right amount of fun, so I’m going with it for now for now.
A Day of Re-Membering
[This post originally appeared on my personal Facebook page, but as I finished it, realized it was the beginning of a return to my Blog. So it, and the post I wrote earlier today, have been re-posted here.]
I have been given so much to say today. I am trusting that each thing reaches those who need to see/hear/read it.
I just watched the 2018 version of A Wrinkle In Time. I tried to watch it when it first came to Disney+, but for whatever reason I couldn’t. The truth, as I understand it now, is I was not ready. Because I didn’t remember the first few minutes at all. If I had, I surely would not have picked today, of all days, to watch it.
As I texted Phil this morning, remember how Up kicked the shit out of our hearts while we were dealing with infertility? Well, A Wrinkle In Time “upped” its game by 100 and tore my heart out and stomped it on the floor before handing it back to me all band-aided up again.
It was, without question, what I needed to see/hear/know today, of all days. About the power of the frequency of love. About knowing and integrating my faults, my shadows, my “bad” parts. About loving others exactly where they are. Because, to paraphrase the Happy Medium: it’s okay to be afraid of the answers; we just can’t avoid them.
When I first visited Phil in Michigan in 2003, we went to Celebration Cinema and watched Love, Actually. Watching it together is something of a holiday tradition for us now. And one of our favorite lines has always been when Sam says to Daniel, “Let’s go get the sh*t kicked out of us by love.”
Here we are, 20 years later, back in the Midwest, starting over again. And I realized that this quote encompasses our entire journey together.
Learning how to love each other through our faults. Deciding we were ready to start a family. Struggling with infertility. The highs of pregnancy and birth. The lows of miscarriages and medically-fragile children. Holding each other through the storms of hospitalizations. Realizing Mira’s medical struggles were merely preparation for the bigger waves that could capsize us with Patrick. Doing our best, for ourselves and our family, through the roller-coaster of Patrick’s life and death. The 9 years since we have spent figuring out what it means to be broken; how to heal; how to move forward.
Watching as each of us, in our own time, in our own ways, begins to shine our light again. Begins to emerge from the shroud that has engulfed us for what feels like forever. As we find ourselves again. As we find ourselves anew. As we figure out who we are. Who we have become. And love each other because of and in spite of all of it.
That’s what wedding vows are: promises to ride the roller coaster of life together. You can see amazing views from the highest of heights and lose your lunch on some crazy turns and be terrified or even rendered unconscious by some of the lows coming out of those spirals. But being human—living this life to the fullest—is all about experiencing the ups and the downs and everything in between. Your soul’s incarnation was your agreement to get the shit kicked out of you by love. In all of its most beautiful, tragic, amazing, incomprehensible, sorrowful moments.
And, believe it or not, it’s always worth the ride. Why else would we fight so hard to be here; to stay here; to live longer? Because despite the pain and the hurt, the beauty and the love nourish us and keep us going. Love is always there. Even when you can’t feel it. Because—You. Are. Love. And—You. Are. Loved.
I am reminded of Katy Perry’s song “Hot and Cold”. I never realized how right she was, because she recognized the person was not hot OR cold, but hot AND cold:
'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
You don't really want to stay, no
But you don't really want to go
You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
This weird miss mash of life. It’s not “or.” It’s “and.”
Earlier today, I wrote the following as a comment on a friend’s post. And I realized it’s a variation on this same theme:
We forget that life is a circle.
Difficult time raise Hard People. Hard People work to create Easy Times. Easy Times raise Soft People. Soft People create Difficult Times.
There is no cycle of creation that has no destruction. The question is whether the destruction is thoughtful, necessary, limited. Like in Michigan when they stopped natural forest fires and then began losing special trees because the seeds only broke open in the heat of the fires. The destruction is necessary for new life. But we can be targeted and intentional about it so that the new life comes without unnecessary loss of property and life.
But we forget life is a cycle. We only want the up. And it just doesn’t work that way. So instead of spending time figuring out how to turn the cycle into an upward spiral by harnessing the destructive part of the cycle, we pretend it doesn’t exist and lose all our progress when it shows up.
Image by Nik @helloimnik from UnSplash
We’re human. We forget. It’s our very nature. But when we remember? When we hang on? Those are the brilliant moments we take massive leaps forward. Jumps the size of which we never knew or believed were possible let alone that we were the ones capable of making.
I set aside today as a day of remembering for me. But I got far more than I bargained for. I am re-membering myself. The quick flashes and glimpses I have seen these past few months of me coming back to myself. Skills and talents left dormant. Gardening. Singing. Baking. Dare I say, Writing.
It’s coming back. I’m tuned back in. I found the frequency again. I finally looking forward and excited to discover what’s next. I’ll do my best to post here and at my blog, so that if you want, you can come along, too.
Namaste.